The Service Chronicles 13: Mama Nkem

You know how the daily routine of my life at home goes. I honestly thank God for Youth Service. My days at home just drag on. I do the same bloody routine everyday. I got to Lagos and none of my beloved friends that I left here felt it was okay to come and check on me or invite me to any of their turn ups. (I can whine all I want!). In the words of maybe the most popular and very weird first ladies we have had in this country “there is God o!”

Let me tell you what this yeye NEPA (PHCN will never sound or look right to me) people did to me yesterday. Just as I settled down in a couch which is the second greatest furniture in the entire world after a bed I browsed through stations for a movie I could watch and I stumbled on one I have wanted to watch for a while. The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants as a matter of fact they were showing part one and two, the day was beginning to look beautiful. About thirty minutes into the first one those oloriburuku people took the light.

Argh!!!!!!! I wanted the break something that while affect NEPA, sadly they don’t have any property in my house. I will destroy something on purpose the day I will mistakenly go their office. After I had given up hope of seeing the movie those palm wine tappers brought back the light and after fifteen minutes of learning absolutely nothing in the movie, they took it again! These people really lack respect.  

I spent the rest of the day in heat and frustration if not for the amazing novel I am currently reading I may have been forced to do something I would regret, idle hands and the devil’s workshop thingamajig (real word)

My brother had friends over and they did that stupid thing people do when you ask them who is it when they ring the doorbell or knock. I hate when I ask who is it and the person has the nerve to reply “it is me”. Which of the stupid 'mes' in the world is it? I sent them back to go and ring the bell and answer me properly.

Funny story my Pastor also came around yesterday to pray for the grandmother and you won’t believe it. When I asked “who is it?” he replied “it is me”. I thank God for the spirit of Jesus in me, my darling beloved heavenly father and friend just told me not to yell because I honestly did not know who it was at the door and I am not a sound recognition computer. The shock I felt when I opened the door and saw my Pastor standing there. I was so grateful I didn’t yell “is me your name?” (I also do that sometimes)

In the midst of heat and turmoil my grandmother requested for hot water to have her bath; I will never understand how that will help to reduce the heat she was feeling. So David, my youngest brother decided to call my dad and ask if we could put on the gen. He was just being selfish because he wanted to play FIFA with his friends that are named me (mumu children) as he picked up the phone to call our darling farmers at NEPA brought the light. Hooray I ran to an AC and flicked it one. After about thirty minutes Mama Nkem called for David to bring her bags up from the car. 

I think it is time you met Mama Nkem, she is the person that birthed me and like most people and their mothers she has a great influence in my life and all that. Some people have said that if you have seen me then you have seen her, I don’t know how true this is because she’s older than me with like a gazillion years and this is not Jupiter Ascending (weird movie if you ask me).

Anywho that’s who my mother is, I am not giving any more information about her, there are psychos everywhere and the Internet is where they harvest their victims. With that said I am done about Mama Nkem.

So she came in brandishing a Ziploc bag of money, it was full of change I even thought it was offering from somewhere (she’s a Pastor). Lo and behold my mother told us of how a Keke Driver had damaged something on her car and he spoke rudely to her. So she disembarked from her vehicle and told the man that the cost of the repairs was about 5 grand and the man said he would use super glue to glue it. I trust Mama Nkem, she just said he should not worry that she knows where he keeps his money and she went there and scooped it all up. Hence all the change; I laughed so hard when she told me. Well she’s a typical Edo babe.

I almost did not watch Ant Man with my family because of my slavery duties while they all lounged and watched a movie I set reminder for o, I was running around like the mad hatter dishing food here and there. God help me.  After Ant Man, Mama Nkem took it to her beloved Investigation Discovery (it used to be Food Network) thankfully they were showing something we watched on Sunday but that didn’t deter her, she went to Crime Investigation, luckily for me they were showing something hilarious; My Crazy EX.

As I laughed my heart away my phone rang. 

Nkem Oyaghire