The Service Chronicles 13: Mama Nkem

You know how the daily routine of my life at home goes. I honestly thank God for Youth Service. My days at home just drag on. I do the same bloody routine everyday. I got to Lagos and none of my beloved friends that I left here felt it was okay to come and check on me or invite me to any of their turn ups. (I can whine all I want!). In the words of maybe the most popular and very weird first ladies we have had in this country “there is God o!”

Let me tell you what this yeye NEPA (PHCN will never sound or look right to me) people did to me yesterday. Just as I settled down in a couch which is the second greatest furniture in the entire world after a bed I browsed through stations for a movie I could watch and I stumbled on one I have wanted to watch for a while. The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants as a matter of fact they were showing part one and two, the day was beginning to look beautiful. About thirty minutes into the first one those oloriburuku people took the light.

Argh!!!!!!! I wanted the break something that while affect NEPA, sadly they don’t have any property in my house. I will destroy something on purpose the day I will mistakenly go their office. After I had given up hope of seeing the movie those palm wine tappers brought back the light and after fifteen minutes of learning absolutely nothing in the movie, they took it again! These people really lack respect.  

I spent the rest of the day in heat and frustration if not for the amazing novel I am currently reading I may have been forced to do something I would regret, idle hands and the devil’s workshop thingamajig (real word)

My brother had friends over and they did that stupid thing people do when you ask them who is it when they ring the doorbell or knock. I hate when I ask who is it and the person has the nerve to reply “it is me”. Which of the stupid 'mes' in the world is it? I sent them back to go and ring the bell and answer me properly.

Funny story my Pastor also came around yesterday to pray for the grandmother and you won’t believe it. When I asked “who is it?” he replied “it is me”. I thank God for the spirit of Jesus in me, my darling beloved heavenly father and friend just told me not to yell because I honestly did not know who it was at the door and I am not a sound recognition computer. The shock I felt when I opened the door and saw my Pastor standing there. I was so grateful I didn’t yell “is me your name?” (I also do that sometimes)

In the midst of heat and turmoil my grandmother requested for hot water to have her bath; I will never understand how that will help to reduce the heat she was feeling. So David, my youngest brother decided to call my dad and ask if we could put on the gen. He was just being selfish because he wanted to play FIFA with his friends that are named me (mumu children) as he picked up the phone to call our darling farmers at NEPA brought the light. Hooray I ran to an AC and flicked it one. After about thirty minutes Mama Nkem called for David to bring her bags up from the car. 

I think it is time you met Mama Nkem, she is the person that birthed me and like most people and their mothers she has a great influence in my life and all that. Some people have said that if you have seen me then you have seen her, I don’t know how true this is because she’s older than me with like a gazillion years and this is not Jupiter Ascending (weird movie if you ask me).

Anywho that’s who my mother is, I am not giving any more information about her, there are psychos everywhere and the Internet is where they harvest their victims. With that said I am done about Mama Nkem.

So she came in brandishing a Ziploc bag of money, it was full of change I even thought it was offering from somewhere (she’s a Pastor). Lo and behold my mother told us of how a Keke Driver had damaged something on her car and he spoke rudely to her. So she disembarked from her vehicle and told the man that the cost of the repairs was about 5 grand and the man said he would use super glue to glue it. I trust Mama Nkem, she just said he should not worry that she knows where he keeps his money and she went there and scooped it all up. Hence all the change; I laughed so hard when she told me. Well she’s a typical Edo babe.

I almost did not watch Ant Man with my family because of my slavery duties while they all lounged and watched a movie I set reminder for o, I was running around like the mad hatter dishing food here and there. God help me.  After Ant Man, Mama Nkem took it to her beloved Investigation Discovery (it used to be Food Network) thankfully they were showing something we watched on Sunday but that didn’t deter her, she went to Crime Investigation, luckily for me they were showing something hilarious; My Crazy EX.

As I laughed my heart away my phone rang. 

Nkem Oyaghire

The Service Chronicles 12: Seize the Bae?

Yesterday was a day like any other, mildly depressing and quietly annoying. That happens to me a lot especially when I am at home. So let’s see, as we have all noticed I am a perfect child who wakes up rather grudgingly between 6:45 AM and 7:00 AM, does some meager chores and is left to the hand of slavery. The cleaning lady came around yesterday and she did what she needed to do. Now; Mama Nkem has adopted this system of coming to where I sleep every morning, to squeeze my legs and tell me she’s going jogging or running; whatever the activity is called. What I really don’t understand is why she feels the need to squeeze my legs, maybe some strange character told her that is how you rouse lazy people from their slumber. I’m proud to say that it hasn’t worked. It may seem strange that I am celebrating not following my mother to jog. 

The Man I Know.

I know a boy

Who is not perfect,

For perfection is a notion nobody will ever attain.

Might love him,I would say I can love him

Maybe love him.

The Service Chronicles 11: Easter Sunday

Funny story, I noticed that my time on my phone has been exactly an hour fast. When I realized this I was really mad. I had woken up by 5: 55 AM which was actually 4:55 AM to slice some onions and wash the rice for the Easter fried rice we were supposed to cook. Only for me to look at the clock and see something that did not seem right. I rushed to my phone and set things straight and went back to sleep.

The Service Chronicles 10: Ordinary Saturday

Yes he did call after a week and all that. I was a little bit happy. Okay I just lied, I did a full spilt and like ten somersaults. More lies. I was just happy.

 My darling mother woke me up by six am on a weekend! To make matters worse. She asked me to pick and cook beans. Since I am the epitome of the perfect child, I really am; I obeyed her.  

The perfect child doesn’t get in too much trouble just enough trouble that can be easily forgiven. The perfect child can sometimes be a kiss ass (don’t do it all the time), the prefect child is the joy of their parents. All of you black sheep should better change your ways. Since I am perfect child I fall into this very small bracket. So I woke up early and obliged my mother; I started picking the beans as she went for a run. 

The Service Chronicles 9: Good Friday

Yesterday was Good Friday. It was not so bad. I went to hospital to stay with my grandmother who has been discharged by the way. When I left my house I wouldn’t have thought that I would be scouring the streets in earnest search for Akara. I had to buy some for my grandmother to eat with her Pap. Like really! It is Akara and I walked up and down the whole of Godmon Street; my street in search for something I always take as immensely trivial. 

Called Mama Nkem that I didn’t see any Akara o, she advised me to just go to the hospital and buy Moimoi at a restaurant near the hospital only for me to take a bike to Isolo and see Akara on my way but the bike was going too fast. At Isolo I still said I should look for Akara at least there’s a market in the vicinity I must see Akara. To my beautiful surprise still no Akara! 

The Service Chronicles 8: RIP Rose

Wednesday was spent in the hospital by my grandmother’s side. She is ill. Old people sickness; nothing and something serious. She should be discharged by tomorrow. I spent most of my time watching trailers and downloading more episodes of New Girl. I have successfully almost finished 3GB in less than a week. Well it has all been for a good cause. I saw the trailer of this movie; Me before You. Now I have managed to make myself anxious for a movie that won’t be released until June. I will read the book in the in the long period of my wait. Game of Throners; Daenerys Targaryen is in it. After my perusal of the internet I napped a little. I got home by six whipped up something in the kitchen and after Chronicles of Narnia; The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe I went to bed. The day in general was a little bit mundane.

The Service Chronicles 7: Journey Travailing

I awoke with joy because I was going home but then I remembered I had to fetch water, grudgingly I dragged myself out of bed looked for a bucket for five minutes. I really need to buy one. 

Got to the well and met Michael; a fellow at the lodge sewing the pail used for fetching by the time he was done we were two people waiting for him and all three of us went to the well only to be greeted by sand, there was no water in the well. I never thought I would see such a wonder, an empty well. All my life I thought empty wells were things that only happened in the bible times; Ilorin has once again managed to prove me wrong.

The Service Chronicles 6: Fatigue

And just like the last time the text that came was from the only man that truly loves me. My bae, my one in a million, he gives me credit and is everywhere I go. His yellow countenance and complexion is his most definitive feature. It was none other than my yellow bobo; MTN.

Dejectedly I dropped my phone who also happens to be my bestie. Off to bed to physically prepare for what I didn’t know would be a torrible (terrible+horrible) Monday. 

The Service Chronicles 5: Concert Night

The text said “Leave him alone”; it was a big shock because from all indications I was not with anybody’s him. Let me tell you something that you may not know; I like trouble a little bit too much, so much that I like the Lenka song Trouble; download it if you like trouble it makes a great soundtrack for marching boldly into any situation that smells like trouble.

The Service Chronicles 4: Telephone Conversation

Yes he has a girlfriend and I know her. Very sweet girl had a chat with her once. She had been stranded one night and had to crash at the lodge. We had a talk about natural hair and stuff that is good for it (yes, it’s true I joined the natural hair movement and it is not easy.) In general she is a good girl.

When Godswill told me about her I was a little bit disappointed. I am also wondering as you’re; why I would be disappointed after all he is just a guy that took my number and calls me every other day, but we also know that when we meet an incredibly cute guy (and he is really cute) we begin to pray deep down that he is unattached and that he has never ever been involved with any girl in the past who can rear up her head and destroy your new found joy.  But this never ever happens and this case is no different.

The Service Chronicles 3: The Girlfriend.

I ran to my phone. It was almost impossible because of the distance of my phone to me. Like I had to do a high jump over the pool of bodies seeing a movie, answer a question from a huge obstacle of a person and beg for everybody to be quiet; that was the one that was very hard but in the end I travailed. Why fate had decided I would not answer the call I would not know until I picked up the phone.

The Service Chronicles 2: Queen Elizabeth Boys

As I stared at the message on my phone my heart kicked into gear five. OMG! Could this be real? Patience is a virtue that I lack and I refuse to practice that delayed gratification nonsense. So I quickly opened the message expecting to see the promise of love and smell the budding roses of romance that this was becoming. Who would have thought that zonal meeting guy would be so forthcoming? You know how fine boys can be, because their mirrors have told them an amazing secret they will not let the hearts of hopeful romantics like us rest. Which is why a message so soon after a call made me hear wedding bells in the distance, maybe five or ten years distance but a distance of some kind. (This time I kid not).

The Service Chronicles 1:The Zonal Meeting Guy

Hi, this is me turning my boredom into something that might be fruitful. So I would ask that you bear with me and follow me on this journey of faction, where I give you a retelling of my life during my service year. Enjoy every single entry and I promise to do my utmost best to be punctual with my entries. Enough talking let's get to reading.

The Zonal Meeting Guy

Yesterday was Community Development  Service (CDS) and I got there pretty late. Just as the Anthem was being recited, which is the last thing we do at every meeting. Very late; my kitchen duties won’t have let me leave earlier and although I could have rushed immediately I had finished cooking and just gone to CDS early, it just wasn’t worth my time or me forfeiting my make-up session. I also had to listen to Churchill play. He is so talented; why he thinks Julliard is unattainable is highly unreasonable, because when he strums those keys, angels actually descend. Okay, maybe that's a little bit too much, but you get my point.