The Service Chronicles 12: Seize the Bae?

Yesterday was a day like any other, mildly depressing and quietly annoying. That happens to me a lot especially when I am at home. So let’s see, as we have all noticed I am a perfect child who wakes up rather grudgingly between 6:45 AM and 7:00 AM, does some meager chores and is left to the hand of slavery. The cleaning lady came around yesterday and she did what she needed to do. Now; Mama Nkem has adopted this system of coming to where I sleep every morning, to squeeze my legs and tell me she’s going jogging or running; whatever the activity is called. What I really don’t understand is why she feels the need to squeeze my legs, maybe some strange character told her that is how you rouse lazy people from their slumber. I’m proud to say that it hasn’t worked. It may seem strange that I am celebrating not following my mother to jog. 

My mother can be a very assertive woman so any victory I can get from not agreeing to something she wants I relish. 

I fried some eggs for my parents, grandmother and Mountain of Fire pastor Uncle and proceeded to sloth in my brothers’ room, reading my book. By the time I finally dragged myself to a bathroom it was only because I felt I smelled and it was only in my imagination. Had a breakfast of egg and cheese sandwich with a large mug of coffee. At this point I warn those people that are in the habit of calculating calories and belong to the high court of weight watchers not to calculate my food for me, my food is not a math equation and honestly I hate those people. There was this stupid boy I used to know in fact crush on (I am the Queen of Crushes if you’ve not noticed) that will be calculating my food and calling me fat. You people should not let me submit your names to my Edo Sisters.

I went back to bed. I laugh at myself because by the time I get back to Ilorin my clothes won’t fit anymore. While I was soundly sleeping and really enjoying myself; I heard the voice of no other person than MAMA NKEM!!!! Somebody please ask me why she called me. When I tell you don’t get angry o. She wanted me to join her to watch X Factor!!!

*Sigh* my people na so I see am. Sha sha I watched it o like I have a choice?

Few hours after the show, I proceeded to bake and I baked two wonderfully delicious cakes. If you haven’t noticed then let me gist you, I am sort of a foodie and a sweet tooth. I know that is a terrible combination but this is why I love God so much. 
He gave me a really small stomach and I don’t mean a flat belly. A flat belly is a place very far from where I currently am (don’t judge me). 
Due to my sweet tooth and foodie tendencies I like to bake and cook and I really like to try my hands on different types of food. This is another hobby.  And it is also very stressful I don’t know how people like Anjiola do it every day (I know this from his snaps on snapchat). Funny story, I know a guy that described social media as a monitoring demon and if you think of it in that light he wasn’t wrong. 

Back to my pineapple and strawberry flavoured cakes it’s a pity all of you won’t get to taste it. While my cakes were in the oven I was summoned to cook Ofada rice; ladies and gentlemen I am proud to announce that I have officially cooked my first Ofada rice. Do I hear an applause? 

I know I know I am too late how can I just be cooking Ofada rice at my Agbaya (CLI Layo helped me spell it ) age? I will tell you to mind your business and not come and spoil my joy. I am learning how to cook Yoruba delicacies for my future husband. You people already know his name I don’t need to be repeating it so that he will not be sneezing in his house in Ilorin. 

Yes! Talking about that, let me tell you a story that started out sad but because Jesus loves me (I love you too Honey!!!) it has ended in joy. So Boye is a batch A Corps member and I’m in batch B and this is sad because he is passing out this April and I thought he will be returning to Niger state where he lives. I don’t know anything about Niger state but I am sure that when I move there after the wedding in France and the honeymoon in Madagascar I will love it. Anywho yesterday when we were chatting (ladies get out your dancing shoes) he mentioned he has a business thingy in Ilorin and he is not leaving immediately after Passing out Parade (POP). I am currently twerking (for Jesus o). 

I know I should not be this excited especially as he has a girlfriend and I am honestly not for that stupid seize the bae movement. I am not a home wreaker but what should I do?

Nkem Oyaghire