I Killed Me

If they should ask I died of suicide. Make sure it is what you tell them when you call my parents and when people come for the funeral. Don't make a fuss; just say it as plainly and as blandly as it tastes in your mouth.

"She killed herself."

Anyone worth their eyes and deserving of their brain would move on and leave you alone.

If the idiots decide to prod you and force out of you what you could possibly not know or comprehend because you are not me, if they insist that you tell them what happened;  after all you're my husband. We lived together; you are supposed to know every tiny bit of my life, even the things I am too blind to see.

Then you tell them I romanticized the idea of you loving me, that I stretched an image of what should be so thinly and when it made no sense anymore I choked on it.

Make sure you mention that I blinded myself by always running into the walls of reality wrapped in your fist. You have to mention that for every mistake I made; which were quite a lot; klutzy me, that I made myself penitent by letting you shower me with your special kind of loving.

Don't tell them you killed me, honey I would never blame you for this.

What could you have done? Changed your ways, loved me like you promised to, not kill all our children before they had eyes.

That would have been too much, you have always been this way, angry and dismissive, you couldn't have possibly been a better man. Honestly, you don't have it in you.

You were everything that was wrong with my life and I was that foolish wife that kept saying “he will change”.

It was my mantra; I said it when it a slap stung, when each insult was thrown at me. I loved the idea of you changing more than you. I carried it around with me everywhere it was my baggage. It kept me warm at night and healed my bruises faster.

If they should ask I died of suicide, in hindsight I should have killed you but suicide was easier. 

@Nkemoyaghire